Undivided

1000 Gifts: 202 to 219

2011-03-15T22:35:00.004-05:00

202. His first shave.

203. Muddy boots.

204. Sunshine!

205. Morning frost and afternoon thaw.

206. A freezer full of meals.

207. Tears as the young man returns his dad's hug.

208. Days at Grandma's.

209. A house to myself.

210. Three bags, gone for good!

211. The challenge of entertaining 2 to 14.

212. Books that challenge.

213. TNRPLA... memorizing scripture.

214. Sleeping in.

215. Learning not to lecture.

216. Consignment stores.

217. Small ways to help, even from here.

218. Sleepovers and swimming pools.

219. Grace. Again each new day.

2011 Verse 5

2011-03-02T08:31:00.003-06:00

Verse 5:
Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable—

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

************************************************************************

Verse 4:
Finally, be strong in the Lord
and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God,
so that you can take your stand
against the devil’s schemes.
Ephesians 6:10-11 NIV

Verse 3:
Do not conform any longer
to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed
by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able
to test and approve
what God's will is--
His good, pleasing
and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

Verse 2:
Those who know your name
will trust in you,
For you, LORD,
have never forsaken
those who seek you.
Psalm 9:10

Verse 1:
It is for freedom
that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then,
and do no let yourselves
be burdened again
by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

1000 Gifts: 185 to 201

2011-02-28T14:51:00.000-06:00

185. Friends who spur me to remember gratitude.

186. A humming dryer.

187. Mounds of clean clothes.

188. The splash of arms and legs making their way across the pool.

189. Advil and Sudafed.

190. Seeing the man who, less than a week ago, they said might not make it. Alive and healing.

191. Six in a room together.

192. A likable coach.

193. Trying hard, even when you're the underdog.

195. Sunshine and a muddy road.

196. Quiet moments and the sister who helps make them happen.

197. Sacred echoes.

198. Talks in the bleachers, one on one.

199. Red vines.

200. Running water.

201. Toddler imagination.

2011 Verse 4

2011-02-20T23:52:00.004-06:00

(I somehow landed on a different passage for Verse 3 last time around after I had already posted. So while this looks like a duplicate, it's not! The verse I actually memorized as Verse 3 is included below).

Verse 4:

Finally, be strong in the Lord

and in his mighty power.

Put on the full armor of God,

so that you can take your stand

against the devil’s schemes.

Ephesians 6:10-11 NIV

************************************************************************

Verse 3, from memory:

Do not conform any longer

to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed

by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able

to test and approve

what God's will is--

His good, pleasing

and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

Verse 2, from memory:

Those who know your name

will trust in you,

For you, LORD,

have never forsaken

those who seek you.

Psalm 9:10

Verse 1, from memory:

It is for freedom

that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then,

and do no let yourselves

be burdened again

by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

2011 Verse 3

2011-02-01T12:03:00.000-06:00

Finally, be strong in the Lord

and in his mighty power.

Put on the full armor of God,

so that you can take your stand

against the devil’s schemes.

Ephesians 6:10-11 NIV

************************************************************************

Verse 2, from memory:

Those who know your name

trust in you,

For you, LORD,

have never forsaken

those who seek you.

Psalm 9:10

Verse 1, from memory:

It is for freedom

that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then,

and do no let yourselves

be burdened again

by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

The Year of Sticking With It

2011-01-01T18:04:00.001-06:00

The title of this post isn't terribly spiritual-sounding, but it's really what I hope to do in many ways, some simple things, some deeper that no one else may ever even know. It's a new year offering (another) new start. Praise God His mercies are new every morning!

One of the simpler (but evasive to me) things I plan to stick with is scripture memorization. It was so powerful when I maintained that practice faithfully in the past, so I have no idea why I let it slip. I remember a quote from a Beth Moore study about Satan using fatigue and discouragement to keep us from fighting back with power... well, no more! (Okay, yes, I'm sure I'll face fatigue and discouragement, but I hope not to let it keep me from fighting effectively in the battle!)

Below is the first verse of 24 I hope to memorize this year, along with reading through the Bible--both goals I've attempted and failed repeatedly. By God's grace, this will be the year of completion!

It is for freedom

that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then,

and do not let yourselves

be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1 NIV

So Christ has truly set us free.

Now make sure that you stay free,

and don’t get tied up again

in slavery to the law.

Galatians 5:1 NLT

1000 Gifts: 171 to 184

2010-11-08T08:42:00.001-06:00

When gratitude is bound by circumstances, lives are bound to bitterness.
Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience

171. Miracles, the greatest that His mercies are new every morning.

172. Vulnerable teaching on difficult topics--truth spoken in grace.

173. Earlier sunrise.

174. A missed nap allowing for a late-sleeping toddler.

175. Remembering: pruning for greater beauty.

176. 66 degrees.

177. Truly seeing, some days.

178. Electricity.

179. When I get it right for them. Not today, but once in a while.

180. The sound of chains being loosed, little by little.

181. Hand-knit scarves.

182. The hope of reaching 1000 gifts.

183. New life, here already, arriving in June (clarification: my sister, not me!)

184. Jesus is coming soon. Come, Lord Jesus.

Job Description

2010-11-01T08:57:00.000-05:00

Our job is obedience. God’s job is results.
spoken by God through Lysa TerKeurst

1000 Gifts: 158 to 170

2010-09-07T11:13:00.001-05:00

Honestly, today I don't feel much like speaking gratitude. Life feels heavy, difficult, confusing. But these days are, I suppose, when it's most crucial to choose to give thanks anyway.

158. This face, ornery, nestled in my lap.

159. The sweet smell of toddler sweat.

160. A nap with actual sleeping, two days in a row!

161. Finally cooking a real meal again.

162. Newborn babies.

163. The desire to change.

164. Sunshine.

165. Three dollar shoes.

166. Wild Cherry Pepsi.

167. A dishwasher, strange squeals and all.

168. Our faithful bus driver.

169. Choosing to speak thanks.

170. Always a chance to try again.

A Call to Action

2010-09-07T10:46:00.002-05:00

As long as he doesn't convert it into action, it does not matter how much a man thinks about his repentance.
C.S. Lewis

1000 Gifts: 144 to 157

2010-09-01T14:36:00.001-05:00

Just a list, belated, this week:

144. Words that stir the soul.

145. A "GREAT!" first day of school.

146. Open-window weather.

147. The bigger girl still singing her heart out.

148. Quiet moments after earlier bedtimes.

149. The whir of pedals heading down the drive.

150. Parents who pray.

151. My best-friend sister.

152. The cabin.

153. Disagreeing but still accepting.

154. June bugs around the too-small table.

155. Being led well.

156. Birthday treats at school.

157. Choosing to hope.

1000 Gifts: 126 to 143

2010-08-22T21:52:00.001-05:00

Some would call the conversations taking place this week around here nothing more than cliche. You know what I mean; I'm sure you've said or heard most of the back-to-school phrases about the summer flying by, kids growing up too quickly, and just plain wondering where the time has gone.

I tend to think, however, that perhaps those conversations are less about small talk and stating the obvious than about reflecting on the true desires of our hearts.

Sure, when I lament the swift passage of summer, it's partly about the end to leisurely, carefree days and fun spent in the sun or in the water. But for me, it's also about the longing to do more than just spend my time with my kids--my longing to really invest in them. To know them. To teach them what really matters. To see them transformed as they learn hard lessons and become who God created them to be. To admit to them the truth that I need the Gospel even more than they do, freeing them to freely grasp its power for themselves.

It's a realization that maybe, certainly, I could have done more, and now my chance, for this summer, is past.

And then I remember what I wanted to teach them: I need the Gospel. More.

So tomorrows will continue to come, summer or not, and I will try again, grateful.

126. New beginnings.

127. Singing herself to sleep.

128. False claims: "I'm not even tired!"

129. Last day at the pool.

130. Prayers for the new girl.

131. Clean(er) carpet.

132. Enough moonlight to light the ride home.

133. Ice cubes.

134. Laughing at yourself.

135. Friends who pray.

136. The Lighthouse.

137. The to-do list.

138. Seventeen years, better each one.

139. Saying out loud, "He's a good kid."

140. Not sweating the small stuff.

141. Mohawk mowing job.

142. Always just enough.

143. He is. Always enough.

A Necessary Reminder

2010-08-17T14:56:00.000-05:00

"...Reach out to the God who has already filled the gaps, and embrace Him as the Father Who doesn't need anything from you. You are freed from responsibility, and enabled, through grace, to be a part of the miracle."

Angie Smith, Bring the Rain

Let it Go

2010-08-15T17:47:00.002-05:00

Feeling a bit of a failure today. Even feeling like I shouldn't post this because it is 100% text (a no-no for blogging), 100% self-focused (who cares, anyway?) and probably 100% from a distorted perspective (which is why I'm writing it in the first place!)

Seems pretty immature and really just plain stupid to say that after the conversation over lunch with friends in which we talked about how it's "not about us," after the reading I've done just lately about "sacred parenting," and after the ways that the Lord reminds me that His power is now completely mine as well. But, it's the truth about how I feel at the moment nonetheless. And this is where I come to think it through.

A couple things are at the source of it, I think, so to get to the true root of it, I need to figure out what's at the source of them.

First of all, I'm just feeling sort of on the fringe. I don't quite fit in any of the groups with which I'm somewhat connected. I think perhaps at the core of that is my constant struggle to live with purpose because that is something that most of these people seem to have mastered (from what I can see of their lives)--singular focus and purpose.

Does my life in any way show what I'm really about? Do I even know what I'm really about, or do I just like to talk like I do? What is our family's purpose? How do we live that out, in our home and outside of it? Am I living out the true and best purposes of parenting? What are the purposes of hard seasons in my life? Am I teaching my kids to see the deeper purpose of the things they encounter in this world? I just feel like I'm drifting, unconnected and without a steady course to follow.

Second, I reread my post from the start of summer and can see so many ways I've failed at being intentional with my kids and failed at being consistent in spending time listening to and being with the Lord. A better way to say it would be that I can see very few ways that I've been intentional about either of those areas of life... and those two things, if I had to say it simply, are what my life is supposed to be about.

Have I spent truly joyful time with my kids? Have I in any way pointed them to the Lord during this short season when we have more time at home together? Have my words and instruction built them up or just torn them down and shamed them? Do I truly want to hear God's will for my life or do I let myself believe I'm doing it pretty well on my own?

I often think back to the year I took the first year of LHM (Leaders for the Harvest Ministry). We were working through putting our values onto paper. One of the leaders cautioned us to check our lives to see if we truly lived them out or if what we claimed to be our values were really just aspirations. To me, that cries hypocrite! And when I examine my life, I'm afraid that's most often where I land.

{I'll insert here that during LHM, we also learned about personality types. I was among the 1% of people in the class who fell into the category which is highly analytical and sets an extremely high (and constantly rising) bar for themselves. So I realize I am exceptionally hard on myself, but at the same time I am gifted at analyzing the deeper aspects of situations which most others tend to gloss over. So I'm totally unrealistic but completely logical all at the same time! Just to give you a little perspective on how my mind works as you read this post.}

Third, I seem to have lost any ability, limited as it has always been, to parent with grace and creativity. My discipline techniques fall primarily within the well-known "squash technique." Squash any resistance and regain control! Now, if weren't of the personality described in the previous paragraph , I would chalk it up to parenting 4 kids ranging from a strong-willed 13-year-old to a spunky 2-year-old and explain it away easily enough. But I know well that it runs much deeper than that. I read a paragraph about Gary Thomas's book Sacred Parenting that summed it up quite well (pretty sure she's paraphrasing, so please forgive if this is a direct quote I should be citing; I haven't read the book for a few years!):

When purpose gets crowded out: When we neglect the spiritual aspect of our parenting, we easily become resentful, controlling, intolerant and demanding of our children in ways that are not only unfair but unloving.

I'm pretty sure my instinctive responses to my kids have fallen most frequently (and increasingly frequently as the summer has stretched on) into the categories of controlling, intolerant, demanding, unfair and unloving. Yuck, yuck,and double yuck. Not a lot of the Fruits of the Spirit growing on this tree.

As I typed that, I'm instantly reminded of God's promise to me a 2 1/2 years ago before Tori was born... a promise of pruning. Cutting back, bare branches, dormant growth. But He gave me an even greater promise of long-lasting fruit and deeper beauty yet to be born in my life. And He's given me glimpses over the past two years of the blossoms He's sprouting in me and my life. Oh, He is so good!

What an encouragement that even as I write about the ugly realities of my life and the struggles I continually face, He reminds me of what He's up to, what His true purposes always are. Reminds me that His promises are unchanging even when I am not. Reminds me that part of the pruning process is getting rid of the dead branches to make room for the new and beautiful growth to come in later seasons. (Granted, I'd like a little more clarity and specifics than He often offers, but despite all my questions, one thing I've learned is to accept the way He speaks!)

Do you see now why I have to process this way? It just takes me a lot more words than some to get to the point of understanding! Feels so good to let it go.

I John 3:9

2010-08-15T16:07:00.002-05:00

Those who have been born into God’s family do not make a practice of sinning, because God’s life is in them. So they can’t keep on sinning, because they are children of God. (NLT)

1000 Gifts: 113 to 125

2010-07-29T22:54:00.002-05:00

I kept putting off this post with the intention of adding photos. When will I learn? So here it is, still without pictures, just as it was Sunday night when I could've posted it on time!

113. Best efforts and broken records - 17.34 seconds!

114. When transformation is noticed

115. Father-son outings

116. Fish sandwiches at McDonald's with a homeless man

117. Hope-giving conversations

118. A mattress that doesn't wiggle

119. Worship with no inhibitions

120. Clear days on the calendar (I've listed this before. One of my very favorite things!)

121. Water parks and roller coasters

122. Dragonflies

123. A phone call from a friend on her own birthday

124. Anticipation of a day of revival for my soul

125. Sisters and hope

1000 Gifts: 100 to 112...

2010-07-19T00:35:00.007-05:00

When I began my list of 1000 Gifts, Ann sent me a sweet "welcome" e-mail and suggested that I might consider putting a timeframe on making 1000 choices to live with gratitude... a goal to spur me on as I'd shared with her I was struggling to be consistent in recording my blessings. Being ~~the perfectionist with a fear of failure that I evidently still am~~ aware of the unpredictability of life from week to week, I chose not to set a deadline. I've been discouraged by unmet unrealistic personal goals far too many times and didn't want to go there this time. Bad choice.

So, once again, I'm back, choosing to smile at the ever-present but seldom-noticed beauty around me:

100. Dragonflies, hope, and the promise of victory.

101. The mystery of prayer.

102. The hum of the little one as she drifts off to sleep.

103. Sweaty red-cheeked kids rushing in after dusk for a cold drink.

104. Weeping together when the load is heavy.

105. Good manners once in a while.

106. Fifteen dollars worth of inflatable fun.

107. Cousin-friends.

108. Spending time with the our favorite Haitians.

109. Sweet corn.

110. Flyswatters.

111. Our Rescuer.

112. Morning. His mercies are new.

One Day At a Time

2010-06-24T14:36:00.001-05:00

I'm still alive. Just buried alive. Digging out from vacation, a whirlwind trip to a wedding, Father's Day, an extra child staying here, evening work meetings for my husband, and my constant battle against efficiency dysfunction.

Someday I'll dig my way out and get back to more than mere survival.

Won't I?!

All I Can Say

2010-06-17T15:25:00.001-05:00

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

First Day of Summer

2010-06-01T14:57:00.003-05:00

The long days of summer have been creeping up on us for a while now, and with school still in session, we've done our best to resist their charms. Bedtime was still a must, as waking on time was still a necessity. But now... finally.... summer! And with it, the knowledge of the few fleeting seasons I have left with my children to...

      Slow down.
                  Enjoy.
                          Recharge.
                                  Bless.

After over a decade of parenting, enough chains have been loosed, enough thought patterns altered, enough habits refined that I truly long to make it a summer of purpose rather than merely survival. While I'm saddened admitting that has been our reality for so long, I've also finally learned (am learning?) that while I don't get any "do-overs," I am offered endless "do-betters" by the grace of both a redemptive God and endlessly forgiving children. What a gift.

Lord,

I can not bless these children, these gifts of mine, without first receiving the gift of your blessing.
     I praise you that every good and perfect gift comes from you. (James 1:17)
Bless me with the power of your Spirit; empower me to be a better "me" as I become more an extension of you.
     I praise you for giving me the desires of my heart and for giving me glimpses of their fulfillment. (Psalm 37:4)
May I delight in none but you, and may my children be overcome with the way you delight in them.

Break my heart where it does not yet yield to yours;
     mend it together into a heart with a deeper capacity to love, forgive, and bless.
May my children begin to see me as a woman of integrity and grace.

Allow me not to waver through unbelief, but
     to be strengthened in my faith...
          to give you glory...
               to believe that you have the power to do what you have promised. (Romans 4:20-21)

Thank you for the fresh slate... the first day of summer. I give it to you and ask that you do with it, with us... in us and through us... what you will.

Only by your grace, Father. Only you.

Amen.

1000 Gifts: 79 to 99

2010-05-31T18:20:00.005-05:00

I constantly wonder how serious/frequent bloggers do it. Is it streamlined and routine when you don't have to search your brain for reminders of how to use the most basic functions? Do they just need less sleep? Have a hired cleaning lady, perhaps? I don't know, but it takes me forever just to get this list posted.

But worth every moment it is.

79. The hope of paint color samples lying on the counter.

80. 80s sitcoms--finally, good clean TV.

81. Hands outreached, faces raised, bubbles twirling.

82. A safe place to shed tears.

83. The Lighthouse.

84. When God speaks in unique ways, just to my heart.

85. Friends to walk this journey with.

86. Freedom, ever widening, from generational snares.

87. New transplants, yet wilted but soon to blossom.

88. First farmer's tan of the season.

89. Big sister, little sister.

90. Way too many bodies in the too tiny pool.

(Hey, look at me, all fancy, adding pictures to my post! I may just "get there" yet...)

91. Water balloon confetti in the grass.

92. Running, chasing, laughing, squirting--a "yes mom" moment.

93. Stretch marks (definitely no pictures on this one!)

94. First "big pool" day of the summer.

95. Clicking of bike gears down the driveway.

96. Filling the biggest booth, just us.

97. Famers' voices carrying in the wind.

98. Last day of school.

99. Hope. One day at a time.

Ingratitude

2010-05-26T16:45:00.002-05:00

Please remove #65 from yesterday's list.

1000 Gifts: 63 to 78

2010-05-25T12:54:00.002-05:00

No time for more than just the list today:

63. Our God always wins in the end.

64. Sweet songs sung by an even sweeter nephew.

65. The red-winged black bird who woke me at 5:00 a.m. (gratitude is a choice, right?).

66. Truth spoken.

67. Like-minded women who welcome freely.

68. A yard large enough for huge puddles when it pours.

69. Four hours with no pit stops.

70. Silence prolonged during an extra long nap.

71. Toddler scribbles rendering my gratitude list nearly illegible.

72. A harvest promised to bear fruit that lasts.

73. Fresh spring air billowing through the curtains.

74. Thirty percent off.

75. The hum of the spin cycle.

76. Total trust as pudgy toddler fingers grasp mine.

77. The way the sun and the breeze are somehow more peaceful when standing at the clothesline.

78. I will never even know all that I have to be grateful for.

Who are you looking for?

2010-05-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

Your real, new self will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him.
C.S. Lewis

1000 Gifts: 49 to 62

2010-05-17T08:43:00.004-05:00

"He will do us good, real good, lasting good, only good, every good. He will make us good, and this is to do us good to the highest degree.” (Charles Spurgeon)

God’s priority is always our best good. And all true good comes from Him.

49. Tears that flow at the true meaning of the bread and wine.

50. Sewing projects completed while the seam ripper stays mostly in its home.

51. Sewing projects yet to be completed.

52. A baby now turned two.

53. Fresh white shelves holding in the clutter.

54. Things, useless, no longer weighing us down.

55. The teenager that will still laugh with me.

56. Long legs sprawled nearly to the end of the bed.

57. Missing my church when I'm not there.

58. Remembering that God is at work, always.

59. Jesus. The name alone brings peace.

60. Freckled face smiling, even after the wrong keys were played.

61. Laughter muffled through windows as they play.

62. Grass mowed fresh and green.

1000 Gifts: 35 to 48

2010-05-10T20:38:00.001-05:00

I admit that I didn't stay mindful of gratitude this week. I so easily get busy living, moving, doing, and just don't see things. So this very practice is one thing that I am grateful for today:

35. Faithful believers encouraging and creating accountability even across the internet.

36. Hard rains that didn't come.

37. Chains that have been broken.

38. The hope that all chains one day will be gone.

39. Friends that know so well yet stay close.

40. Gradually letting go of the measuring up.

41. Difficult conversations being truly heard.

42. Sparkling grape juice fizz.

43. Juice moustaches.

44. Fat bellied babies.

45. Youthful legs completing the race red-faced.

46. That grin.

47. Questions that come and come and come.

48. Kids who are grateful for me.

1000 Gifts: 11 to 34

2010-05-03T10:02:00.002-05:00

So last week's list never made it to the computer, and this week's list is slim, so I'm combining the two now that I'm finally getting around to posting. Honestly, there are some things feeling so heavy that seeing beyond them to the things, big and small, worthy of gratitude is a challenge. Part of me says that itis just wrong to be in such a place if I have any faith at all, but part of me knows that it is too real not to admit.

For that reason it seems that much more important that I continue with this discipline, to do all I can to direct my focus to what is true and learn, little by little to live in this truth Ann Voskamp shared today, perhaps just for me:

"You only know how to give thanks always when you know how to give thanks anyway."

11. Grass stained knees on jeans and the energetic laughter born in creating them.

12. Stain stick, though it seems less than holy, but at the same time miraculous.

13. New words and sentences flowing quick and mumbled behind the security of the paci.

14. Water that runs freely over muddy trail from feet played hard.

15. Shirts stained with many sweet things enjoyed.

16. Gapping baby teeth and a nose pinched tight into a mischievous toddler grin.

17. Email

18. Always just enough.

19. Gurgles and splashes as bath toys meet their purpose and carpet spots wet.

20. A sister who always feels like "home," no matter how long since the visit.

21. Reminders that messy is part of the journey, necessary even.

22. When size 7 1/2 is all that's left and it fits.

23. Fresh reminders of old joys buried under the busy.

24. Teachers whose passion for the Word is contagious.

25. Jesus is coming!

26. Hugs unrequested from adolescent arms.

27. Unruly ringlets bouncing.

28. Sisters, big and small, cuddling with a bedtime book.

29. Clean carpet.

30. Kind shoulders to share the load, and a heart willing to share her own burden.

31. Generous customer service who has blessed us 2x over.

32. A fun night with my teenage boy, still willing to smile at corny jokes and evidently not-so-subtle attempts to draw him out.

33. A new bright plaid shirt under the newly tanned face.

34. Giving thanks anyway because of Truth.

1000 Gifts: 11 to ...

2010-04-26T22:06:00.001-05:00

Soon to be transferred from paper to screen...

1000 Gifts: It Begins with 1

2010-04-21T09:08:00.004-05:00

A dozen times I have nearly begun and then backed away.

It's not Monday, after all. And what of the laundry that sits damp waiting to be tossed dry? Or the little one sitting all too comfortably at the foot of the TV? Yes, so many forces seem to hinder--time, pride, fear, and not least of all that confusing HTML stuff.

But as worries wage and fears press hard, I know that I must; as Ann speaks of her own daily Holy Experience, there is no other cure for fear than to practice gratitude in the present moment.

So I will begin simple, small, letting go of the desire for normal, or perhaps perfection, to arrive before I begin.

Instead I will choose to see the perfect in the normal.

1. First-ever freshly picked dandelions--pretties--held in the chubby hands of a toddler.

2. The gift of being available. What else to do when no bus arrives?

3. Moments, few as they are, to think and defog before all wake.

4. Freckles that multiply with long spring days.

5. A simple yes that brings surprising gratitude, even at the cost of only 64 cents.

6. A determined spirit that far surpasses the fears of his mother.

7. A rare day on the calendar, still mostly white.

8. The wheels that faithfully take us here and there, despite the too-soon rumbles and rattles.

9. Delighted squeals calling, "My Daddy!" each day as hinges creak open and the Daddy love that brings such delight.

10. Learning. Letting go. A little more each day.

The power of being with Jesus

2010-04-13T07:51:00.000-05:00

Even the weakest saint can experience the power of the deity of the Son of God, when he is willing to "let go." But any effort to "hang on" to the least bit of our own power will only diminish the life of Jesus in us. We have to keep letting go, and slowly, but surely, the great full life of God will invade us, penetrating every part. Then Jesus will have complete and effective dominion in us, and people will take notice that we have been with Him.

* * * * *

If we set out to serve God and do His work but get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility we feel will be overwhelming and defeating. But if we will only roll back on God the burdens He has placed on us, He will take away that immense feeling of responsibility, replacing it with an awareness and understanding of Himself and His presence.

Two excerpts from Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest

Every Day

2010-04-06T12:24:00.002-05:00

I like Easter. But let's remember that Christ's resurrection is not truer at Easter than at any other time of the year. AW Tozer

Motivation Monday

2010-04-05T09:57:00.003-05:00

A while back I promised myself (I say myself because no one else reads this journal/blog), to post some of my favorite inspirational blogs. Well, today, I'm following through, at least in part, by posting about Kat's giveaway at Inspired to Action. Her posts are simple and direct, pointing to what's truly important and how to take one step at a time to get there. That's just what I need. Anyway...

Kat's giving away a gift pack including music and a t-shirt from the guys singing the song playing in the background right now. I honestly don't even own any of their CDs, but since Song of Hope is one of my favorites, and one that I just recently posted about, wouldn't it be a cool God-thing if I would win? Even if I don't, I just love how God makes connections like that to confirm His work in our lives.

Another nice thing about the conditions attached to this giveaway is that it helps keep me focused and working toward goals that will make my life more what I long for it to be as a mother and homemaker seeking to bless my family a little more each day.

A little cool music playing in the background while I work would just top it all off...

Playlists

2010-02-22T09:42:00.004-06:00

**The song I'm referring to somehow disappeared from my playlist... the current song is a great one, too, but it no longer corresponds with this post.**

I don't know about you, but I have certain things that are constantly on "repeat" on my mental playlist. Normal things like, "I need to start a load of laundry." Or, "Better add that to the grocery list." Or, "Uh-oh. It's too quiet in here. What is Tori up to!?"

But then there are also those things that repeat and shuffle on my playlist that I wish I could remove but don't quite know how. (Kind of like my real life level of skill with technology!) Things like rehearsals of things I said in small group that I wish I could snatch back. Or high (maybe unrealistic) expectations of my kids that make me frustrated and short with them when they do the same things over and over. Or the following self-condemnation for expecting of my kids what I can't even manage myself...consistently making the right and loving choice.

So when I opened my blog this morning, I was thankful for the first song that greeted me from my real life playlist: "Song of Hope" by the Robbie Seay Band. If you stick around long enough to listen, here's what you'll hear:

All things bright and beautiful You are
All things wise and wonderful You are
In my darkest night, You brighten up the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

All things new
I can start again
Creator, God
Calling me Your friend
Sing praise, my soul
To the Maker of the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know You and be loved is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing

As I listened to those words playing in the background, I thought about hope (Oh, yes, I am quick that way... a song titled "Song of Hope" made me think about hope!) :)

Hope defined as a verb means, "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence." The very fact that I cling to hope means both that I am missing something I long for, but also that I believe I will receive it. However, I think I often limit hope to only the first half of its true meaning, focusing on the desires of my heart that are unfulfilled.

Hope defined as a noun means, "a person or thing in which expectations are centered." Where do I truly place my hope? I know I have a lot of expectations, but I think the weight of them usually falls on me or the other people in my life. And that is far too heavy a load for any of us to carry.

So I began to think about why I love this song so much. I wondered if I can belt out all the lines of this song with equal sincerity.

I have no problem offering God praise, telling Him how beautiful, wise and wonderful He is. And I really get loud on the line that pleads with the God of heaven to come down. But immediately following that plea lies these two convictions:

Just to know that You are near is enough.

Just to know You and be loved is enough.

I realized, again, that often my words of praise are as much a request as an offering, a plea that God will really help me believe in the depths of my heart the words that I know in my head to be true of Him. To show me that He's near and that He loves me.

Man, I thought I deleted that playlist several years ago! I mean, it's not all bad because it consistently drives me to seek out the Father and His true heart for me. But you know how you sometimes listen to the same CD over and over until you finally just need to take it out of the rotation for a while? I think I'd like to take this one out permanently and bring it to the CD consignment store for someone else to add to their collection!

But for today, I guess I'll just hit "shuffle" once more and keep clinging to hope, reminding myself where I need to let my hope lie.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

About Me

2010-02-16T14:27:00.003-06:00

I've been tailoring my blog reading specifically to be a source of encouragement and inspiration as I work on some goals for myself, so I've been reading a lot of blogs that really hit home for me. It's such an encouragement to read posts and comments by other women who are transparent about their lives as they seek to be God-followers who live out their faith in their homes.

So anyway, as I've been seeking out topic-specific blogs, I've been leaving a few comments here and there, which I haven’t done much in the past. After receiving a comment today, I realized that people actually may be clicking over to check out my blog, which has been long-neglected. I started this blog primarily to journal and keep track of scriptures and quotes I wanted to remember, so there isn't a lot of information about my family or my life (unless you count my deep thought life last year) included here.

Therefore, I thought a post to introduce myself a bit might be in order. I've made a list of 10 random things about me, some nuts and bolts type info and some a little more personal, just to give a little glimpse of me:

1. I've been married for 16 years to a very sweet and handsome man. Boy, marriage is hard, but I'm seeing the truth of the quote from my last post coming to pass.

2. I'm the mother of 4, three of which God allowed us to think we planned, and one which He planned all on His own and surprised us with. :) They are 13, 10, 8, and 21 months. They amaze me! Seeing God working in their lives in spite of me is perhaps the clearest way God has ever demonstrated to me How He Loves.

3. I process my thoughts best through writing. (Read: My blog posts, though infrequent, are often very LONG.)

4. I am a thinker, and I am always trying to figure out they "why's" and "what if's." I think I say, "I wonder..." in nearly every conversation I have. I am learning to wonder more often about what's truly valuable, and sometimes I'm even wise enough to stop asking questions when the only answer is faith.

5. I am heartbroken for the people and children of Haiti. My brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew moved to Haiti 8 months ago, so my thoughts and wonderings often land there. In the aftermath of the earthquake I long to know how God calls us to "act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly" with the poor, oppressed, widowed, and orphaned of Haiti. The need is endless.

6. I am an information sponge, and I love to hear other people's stories. I read and and read and read. A decade ago I read fiction. Five years ago I read self-help books. Now it's blogs. Seeing how God is at work in other people's lives builds my faith. This is so true, that on a personality assessment I took, "INPUT" was my top character trait. (I'm not sure what good that trait does anyone else, but at least I know I'm not the only one who has it since it had its own category on the test!)

7. That same personality test showed that seeking "harmony" is one of my strongest traits. I knew deep down when I received the results that, for me, harmony seeking = approval seeking, and a quote I just read from Beth Moore's latest book confirms that my need for harmony stems in great part from insecurity. (Did you hear about my love-hate relationship with Beth Moore?) I guess I know which book needs to move the top of my wish list!

8. I ~~strongly dislike~~ hate exercise. I love sugar. If only someone would create a candy or soda that produces muscle tone the more you eat or drink, or an exercise program that required reading rather than physical movement, I'd be set.

9. I am a recovering perfectionist. Not the type that has an immaculate home, has perfectly-behaved kids, or always gets everywhere early (or even on time!) with everything she could need and then some in a tidy little handbag. No, I'm afraid I'm the all-or-nothing type who's most consistent approach has been to think, "If I can't do it the way I'd like, or if there's any chance I may fail, I may as well not do it at all." I guess the nice thing is that recovering from that type of perfectionism actually creates more order and peace than keeping everything perfect would.

10. I'm trying to learn how to structure my life in this physical world to lead me closer to the reality of Jesus and who He wants me to be. It's a tough educational track to choose, but I'm finding it well worth it!

Yeah, well, those 10 things certainly don't encompass who I am, but that's probably okay, because I find that who I am is changing as I continue to turn my focus more and more fully to Jesus... and thank goodness for that!

Coming soon: I'll try to share some of the blogs that have inspired me lately.

True Beauty

2010-02-06T10:03:00.000-06:00

Weddings may be beautiful, but marriages become beautiful.

(Mark Regnerus, Christianity Today)

Major Earthquake in Haiti

2010-01-13T09:12:00.000-06:00

The word is out all over the world about the major earthquake in Haiti yesterday. Jared and Stacey felt the tremors in Pignon, but because of the poor communication systems and lack of news media there weren't even fully aware of the damage in PAP until this morning. Please be in prayer for the people of Haiti, especially in the capital city of Port-au-Prince(PAP) where damage is widespread and severe. Haiti simply doesn't have health and government systems equipped to provide help.

Hope is a commonly used word among missions to Haiti, but I think it is safe to guess that a sense of hopelessness is widespread in Haiti today. But there are many Christians among the people of Haiti who already have chosen to put their faith in God while living in a land that offers little hope. Pray that their faith will empower them to help others and that others will feel the love of Jesus through them. Pray that through this tragedy the people of Haiti will truly discover that God is their one true hope.

Please be praying that Jer, Stacey, and all others working in Jesus' name in Haiti will know how they can best bring hope and healing to people affected directly or indirectly by the earthquake. Pray that God will equip them with His love and compassion, His strength and wisdom so the help they offer will have both immediate and eternal significance.

Thank you for praying!

A Million Candles

2010-01-09T13:41:00.001-06:00

"We, as Christians, can look at our broken world, shrug our shoulders, and say, "That's just the way things are." Or we can instead embrace a vision of what could be--if we'd each pitch in. Isn't it better to light a candle than curse the darkness? And what could be accomplished if we lit not one candle but many? The light of even one challenges the gloom, but the light of a million could obliterate it."

Richard Stearns, The Hole in Our Gospel (p. 275)

Haiti Recap - Part 2 - How We Got Here (and I'm not just talking about the airplane)

2010-01-08T14:51:00.001-06:00

Admittedly, our trip to Haiti was prompted by external circumstances as much as by a heart for missions. That is not to say we don't have a heart for missions; in 2007, before we discovered Tori's impending and unexpected arrival in our lives, we had begun making plans to take our family on a mission trip to Mexico over Christmas break. Steve's also been to Nicaragua, and we volunteer or donate in various ways locally. But that's beside the point.

All I know is had Jer and Stacey not been there, I'm not sure this trip would've entered our minds. And I am positive that without the generous and anonymous donation we received, we would not have gone, at least not this year. Through those circumstances and much prayer it became clear that God intended for us to go on this particular trip at this time.

Even so, the decision for both Steve and me to go was not an easy one, even with the offer of the donation and the wonderful prospect of seeing Jer and Stacey and the kids.

Steve would have to miss a week of work at a busy time and opt for another week of unemployment pay since all his vacation time and then some was required to cover the mandatory shut downs this year.

And just let me say that leaving four kids behind is challenging.

Mentally challenging to combat all the "what if" thoughts involved in both parents traveling overseas.

Emotionally challenging for a stay at home mom who's used to being with her toddler 24/7.

Physically challenging to coordinate school and extracurricular schedules and childcare (seriously, I probably spent equal time planning, scheduling, organizing, and packing as we actually spent on the trip!)

Spiritually challenging to let go of control of it all and trust God.

But eventually, it all went off without a hitch (well, except the first night we were gone when Anna called our hotel in Florida, homesick for us and in sobs, and I spent the rest of the night crying with my cell phone next to me on the bed in case she called again), and we were on our way across the ocean to Haiti.

MFI's (Mission Flights International) restored DC-3 WW II plane that flew us from Florida to Haiti:

The interior of the MFI plane, including several members of our team:

First views of Haiti from the air:

Haiti recap - Part 1

2010-01-05T14:43:00.002-06:00

Now that the dust has settled--and perhaps even more importantly, my stomach has settled after a bit of a rough transition during the first week back home--and the holiday busyness has come to an end, I'm finally going to try to formulate what I'm sure will be a less than complete summary of our trip to Pignon, Haiti, in November. I discovered that when people return from a Third World country with pictures and you think you've got a bit of understanding what it's like there, it's actually quite true when they say you can't fully understand it until you've experienced it for yourself. I suppose it's like when someone tells you to enjoy your kids while they're young because they grow up so fast; one day you realize they really are growing up so fast that you should've listened! Anyway... there is much to share, so I'll try to stay focused. :)

Before we even arrived in Haiti, I felt like God began to open my eyes to see the world from more of a Kingdom perspective. It was like He was showing me the world from a heavenly view as I looked out the window of the plane and peered at the tiny world below.

Our world feels very "normal" when we live in it day to day, but I was reminded that there is nothing ordinary about it--it truly was beautiful in a way I've never experienced before. I'm sure I looked nothing like a seasoned traveler as I leaned forward in my seat to stare out the window of the plane at the scenery below. Glancing at tiny buildings which now appeared to be no larger than a Monopoly house, school buses the size of a staple and fields that now seemed to be the size of a postage stamp, I thought about the God who made it all, and I was humbled--actually, that isn't nearly a strong enough word--to think how often I live my life as if I am somehow in control.... How I forget about the God who made it all, sustains it all, and can give or take any of it according to His perfect will.

As we began our descent toward the Dallas/Fort Worth airport, huge homes with private pools, tennis courts, and who knows what other luxuries peppered the landscape. As is often the case for those of us in the middle class who have more than plenty but not nearly as much as some, I seldom think of myself as wealthy. But our affluent life in the United States--mansions and tennis courts or just a comfortable house and a used mini van to get us where we need to go--is far from normal compared with the rest of the world's standard of living. I again considered what my attitude toward my life and "stuff" is with the realization that the next day's scenery would look very, very different.

A first glimpse of Haitian life from the runway at the Cap Haitien airport:

Goodbye Blog

2009-06-01T00:51:00.002-05:00

For the summer, for sure.

Maybe forever.

It's just got to be done.

May Scripture Memory 2

2009-05-19T14:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't had time 'til now to choose an appropriate verse (and even now I don't have the time, but I'm making the time!) I've found that if I choose haphazardly, the verse just doesn't stick with me, so I want to be very intentional about seeking what the Lord wants me to meditate on for the next 2 weeks. Since I'm behind schedule and this passage seems a little longer or wordier than some of my others, I'll have to trust God to, as Beth Moore says, "make me smarter than I am!" Anyway, here it is:

If you call out for insight

and cry aloud for understanding,

and if you look for it as for silver

and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD

and find the knowledge of God.

Proverbs 2:3-5

If you'd like to join the Scripture Memory Team , it's never too late to start!

It's the thought that counts

2009-05-14T14:46:00.003-05:00

If anyone actually read this blog (besides me), I'm guessing they would have one word for me: Unreliable.

I keep saying I'm going to post about this or that and I never do it. I say I'm going to be more consistent and I'm not. I promise lovely pictures and they never appear. Hmm.

I guess you will just have to believe me when I say (or, since I am my own most loyal reader, I will have to believe myself when I say) that I have composed some wonderfully thought-provoking and witty posts in my head. Good stuff, let me tell you.

Like they say, it's the thought that counts, right?

May Scripture Memory 1

2009-05-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ,

set your hearts on things above,

where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.

Set your minds on things above,

not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:1-2

When

2009-04-28T10:02:00.005-05:00

Some days it seems like my life is drifting away in a series of "Whens..."

"When the kids are all in school, I'll have time to exercise/volunteer/deep clean, etc...."

"When Tori goes down for a nap, I'll catch up on my Bible study lessons...."

"When I get the laundry caught up..."

"When we finally have a free weekend...."

"When ___________ I'll eat more healthy...." (Yeah, I don't have a "when" for that. I just know I should.)

"When I have a little more time, I'll write a blog post that actually says everything I want it to instead of writing a series of rambling paragraphs loosely tied together under a theme only in my own mind!"

The trouble is that most of my "whens" never come to pass. Just look at the 4 sweet faces on the sidebar as proof that my first "when," as close as I came, never happened!

And counting on nap time usually guarantees a nap boycott. Hoping to catch up on laundry... well, that is just plain silly. Longing for the weekend is a good predictor of some unexpected event popping up that can't be missed. And the complete and coherent blog post.... well, just keep reading....

So then I wonder how much of life I'm missing because I'm waiting for "when" to arrive.

How many sweet moments with Tori (and my other kids) have I sacrificed to the hope of accomplishing some household task uninterrupted? How many things have I done halfway because I've been overwhelmed by those things yet to be done? Which blessings have I taken for granted because I'm looking past them to the things I don't have? What lessons have I left unlearned as I've skimmed over the surface of life in anticipation of the next "simpler" stage--a stage that never arrives?

It's a fine balance, and I can't seem to find the center of it. On one hand, being a SAHM is a life with very few marked and permanent achievements. Even those things that get done soon become undone and in need of being re-done! And in a much deeper sense than nap time or housework, this world is not our home, so there truly are many things that just won't sit right in my soul. This life is imperfect and often hard.

But on the other hand, Jesus promises life and fullness and joy--complete joy, nonetheless! However, He also clearly tells us that self-sacrifice is the only way to true joy. Some days I get that, really get it and embrace it with excitement and purpose. Other days, it feels like a complete and unattainable paradox.

Right now, my baby is in her bed crying because this is one of those "when" days for naps. My laundry is in various stages of incompletion and my floor is sticky. We have somewhere to be every evening for the next two weeks. What does complete joy, self-sacrifice, and true LIFE look like in the midst of that?

The more I think about it, it seems that perhaps asking "When...." questions is okay. Maybe I'm just focusing on the wrong "whens." What if I asked myself questions like,

"When I tuck my kids into bed each night, what do I want them to remember about the day?"

"When the my kids are all grown (which I have plenty of time to prepare for now!) what do I want our family legacy to be?"

"When I meet with Jesus at the end of my life, what crowns will I have to cast at His feet?"

Those questions are a little more difficult to answer. But those are the questions that, when it's all said and done, are truly important to me.

So, I guess I'll go get Tori from her bed. She and I can sit on the sticky floor and play.

New Background

2009-04-27T09:50:00.002-05:00

Not super crazy about this one, either, but it's always nice to make a change, especially when I know it's temporary.

I just wonder how all the serious bloggers out there find time to create and update their own backgrounds when I feel a little guilty about even taking time to upload a new free background that someone else predesigned when my unfolded laundry is sitting there staring at me.

On a more serious subject, we had a wonderful church service again yesterday. As Ethan and I were talking about church later in the day, I was really struck by how blessed we are to have such a vibrant and obedience-inspiring church. Sundays are the day that grounds me every week, and if I didn't have that foundation to recenter me, it would be even harder to stay focused on Jesus.

I'm thankful again today for the prayer ministers and how they share their gifts each week. Yesterday we prayed about hearing from the Lord, believing what He has told me and denying the lie of Satan that I don't hear the Lord's voice, and having a "deafness" to the distractions of the world. Great encouragement as I try to reenter a more purposeful season of "being" in the Lord after a few months of much "doing."

Anyway...Check back later because the exciting photo collage I promised in the last post will be coming in the next day or two!

So I'm a little behind

2009-04-24T16:25:00.003-05:00

So, the one or two of you who have happened across this blog in the last month or two may have noticed the extremely low frequency of new posts. I hate that you have missed all the fun that I've been having! And even more, I hate that I've done such a poor job of documenting all the great things God has been up to! Life has been busy, let me tell you.

I promise there is good reason, actually many good reasons, for my absence from the blog world. I'll explain soon, maybe with a photo update of just a few of the things that have been keeping me busy.

I know! We'll make a game of it! Wouldn't that be fun?! Did any of you subscribe to "Games" magazine years ago? They always had a photo collage and you had to guess what the photo depicted. Yeah, that's a great idea, if I do say so myself.

Try to contain yourself as you wait in eager anticipation!

P.S. I don't like this blog background, but I don't have time to change it right now. So there's another exciting update you can come back to check out later!

April Scripture Memory 2

2009-04-24T16:20:00.002-05:00

In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and He answered me by setting me free.
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
The LORD is with me; He is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.”
Psalm 118:5-7 (NIV)

Don't Waste It

2009-04-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

I've been realizing anew just how silly--no, that's not nearly a strong enough word--how absolutely ridiculous the things in this world I focus on really are.

This weekend as I've meditated on God the Father's amazing gift to us, He's reminded me that He gave us Jesus out of an unfathomable, unquenchable LOVE for us. For me.

And Jesus..... there simply are no words to thank Him. Nothing but my tears and a heart broken by the ways I fail Him, yet at the same time nearly bursting with longing to be more like Him. He loves us so much.

Even as I write those words, I realize I don't know even a fraction of how deep that love really is. I can't form sentences with enough depth of meaning to encompass who He is and what He's done, let alone grasp it with my weak, distracted mind. So some days, many days, I don't really act like someone who is completely and unconditionally loved. And even more, most of the time I don't give complete and unconditional love, even to those I love the most. What a waste.

But Jesus told us He came to make all things new. I don't have to go on wasting moments and days. He offers a fresh start every morning, and the blood that He shed redeems all things when we love and seek Him. That's all I know to do.

I love you, Jesus. Your sacrifice and your love are beyond description. Would you penetrate my heart afresh every morning with the reality of your gift. Help me not to waste this....

The Bridgekeeper

2009-04-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

April Scripture Memory 1

2009-04-08T18:20:00.005-05:00

Just now getting around to posting this, but I have been working on it!

Rejoice in the Lord always.

I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.

The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds

in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)

Random Picture Challenge 9.0

2009-03-23T23:28:00.004-05:00

Late, as usual (my blogging may as well reflect my real life!)

This week's challenge: 3rd folder, 1st picture with the color BROWN

So there's not a ton of brown, but there's brown hair, brown glasses, and this picture is just too cute not to use! All the cousins at the time except Zach, who was only 18 months or so at the time and wouldn't have survived this pose! We were in Minneapolis in August, 2007, visiting the zoo during a weekend trip for Steve's cousin's wedding.

These cousins have such a ball together, and we only manage to get everyone together a couple of times a year, so it's really a special treat.

Hoping these will be great memories for the kids, and that there are many more to come!

March Scripture Memory 2

2009-03-16T06:57:00.001-05:00

Teach me your way, O LORD,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

Whatever Happens

2009-03-15T17:09:00.012-05:00

The messages at church have been really powerful lately. Well, I'm sure they're always powerful because they're the Word of God, but my heart has really been connecting with the topics, truths, and challenges being taught the last few weeks.

Today was one of those days when I wouldn't have been surprised if a spotlight from Heaven suddenly had focused right on me, since it felt like perhaps the sermon was written for me alone! Actually, it felt to me as if the Spirit was moving pretty heavily among everyone, so I wonder how many other people sensed God speaking to them directly today?

Some themes from today (I couldn't take notes because I was trying to rock Tori to sleep much of the time, so these are the few and brief thoughts I can pull from my weak memory):

Whatever happens...

We are called to stand firm without being frightened
We must choose joy
God loves us
God forgives us
God invites us to Himself

Many of us deeply and sincerely long to know Jesus more, but we're limited because we are unwilling to suffer (I'm not sure he said that exactly, but that's where my thoughts took that point....)
Fear of what might happen often creates a self-pitying, false sense of "suffering" in our lives
Sharing in Jesus' suffering is a blessing because there's a fellowship with Him that comes only by suffering alongside Him
We need great courage to join in Jesus' suffering
God is with us in our suffering because, through Jesus, He knows every type of suffering we could experience

I went for prayer to ask for courage. I don't want to live hindered by fear, and I know that I often do. One of the prayer ministers shared the picture of taking many pieces of glass or metal and weaving them together to make a strong, beautiful fabric. You may not see the beauty in each individual piece, but the beauty is woven into the very core of the creation.

God continues to pour that theme of developing greater beauty into my soul. The images from today reminded me of the essay I wrote over 2 years ago about weaving wires and beads together to create a unique piece of jewelry (LHM), and it confirmed what God has been impressing on me this past year about pruning for greater beauty. Today I sense Him reminding me of the holy vessel that I am (Daniel study session 5).

The other prayer minister prayed for wisdom and discernment to recognize God's call for me individually--that Jer and Stacey's call to Haiti or what happens in my family, etc. wouldn't hinder me from seeing the plans that God has for me personally.

As he prayed for great courage to step into my own calling, I was reminded of the image I received back in November of Jesus riding up on a white horse and inviting me to jump on behind to ride into battle with Him. At the time, I could see myself jumping on bravely and willingly.

I want to ride into battle with courage every day. Whatever happens.

Gratitude

2009-03-14T15:38:00.007-05:00

Discontent seems to invade every area of my thoughts today.

So many things I'd like to have that I don't.
So many ways I'd like to be that I'm not.
So many areas I'd like to change that I haven't.
So many things I'd like to do that I can't.
So many places I could go that I won't.
So many answers I'd like to hear that I might not.
So many mysteries I'd like to have revealed that aren't.
So many things I deem important that aren't.

So many.

I've been leaning on the call and the promise of the scripture I've memorized this month. And trying not to cry as I listen to this song by Nichole Nordeman:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please

Wise Words

2009-03-13T14:03:00.001-05:00

Holiness means the ability to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. It means being "response-able," able to respond appropriately to the demands of life.... Holiness is sustained attention to the heart, the source of all action. It concerns itself with the core of the personality, the well-spring of behavior, the quintessence of the soul. It focuses upon the formation and transformation of this center.

-from Streams of Living Water by Richard Foster

When God puts a call on your life to do something that will impact the kingdom for Him, the timing is almost always poor and the expectations are almost always overwhelming.

-from Esther by Beth Moore

Dear Blog,

2009-03-11T00:42:00.005-05:00

I miss you. There is no time for you right now, but I will be back one day soon.

It is sad, because there is so much going on, and so many thoughts swirling in my mind about life in this busy season. There are things that are important and deeply meaningful that I know I will forget as life marches on. So many things I'm learning that I really want to mark somehow to remember them well.

But for now, in this time of putting first things first, my thoughts will just have to float in my head until they disappear into the abyss that once was my short-term memory. (Or is it my long-term memory? I don't know; I don't remember.)

I'm choosing to live and spend these days rather than just write about them in an effort to save them. I've never been much of a saver, I'm afraid. And I really want to become more and more a
live-r (no, of course not the gross meat--someone who really lives their life and spends their days on the truly valuable things!)

I know you'll always be there for me, dear blog. Thank you for waiting for me.

Love,
Tiff

Random Picture Challenge 8.0

2009-03-08T21:44:00.003-05:00

The challenge this week: February 2009, FIRST picture of something other than your kids!

So funny... evidence of what a child will do left unattended with a digital camera. I'm not even sure which child was playing photographer, but when I transferred pictures to the computer, there were half a dozen pictures of random things sitting on our kitchen counter (yes, our counter is cluttered.)

This is a sweet reminder to me to enjoy these busy, messy days--to enjoy life through the eyes of a child. Kids don't see clutter; they see a picture waiting to be taken.

Hmmm.. Maybe that's why they never feel the need to clean up after themselves.

March Scripture Memory 1

2009-03-02T11:46:00.000-06:00

I love how the 2 scriptures I've already memorized come to mind so often, and especially how they've been so pertinent to the current state of my spiritual journey. Out of the entire Bible, the two verses to which He led me speak so powerfully, right here, right now, over and over again.... Only God.

This month I'm claiming the same passage that Beth Moore posted (along with dozens to hundreds of other women.) Seems to be just what the Lord had for me right now, too. Here it is:

So do not throw away your confidence;

it will be richly rewarded.

You need to persevere

so that when you have done the will of God,

you will receive what he has promised.

Hebrews 10:35-36 (NIV)

New Morning, New Mercies

2009-03-02T08:02:00.008-06:00

Dear Lord,

I praise You for Your great love, and for the wonderful things You have done for me. I praise You that You are the only One who is able to satisfy my thirsty soul today and the only One who promises to fill me with good things.

Open my heart to receive Your love, and open my eyes to see the wonder of what You are doing in my life and in the world around me. Satisfy my thirst, yet give me a greater thirst for You. Make my soul long for You like the deer that pants for water. Fill the deep hunger within me with You--the only thing that ever truly can fill me. You already have met all my needs in Christ Jesus; open my heart to receive all that You offer. Overwhelm me. Forgive me for the ways I daily lose sight of You.

Thank You for the sounds of a sweet baby cooing in her crib, waiting to be scooped up and start her day with a hug and a smile that reaches from ear to ear. Thank You for the sight of 3 sweet little people, people who are growing up so fast, sauntering down the gravel drive to meet the bus that will take them into the day they each face. Thank You for the crunching of pickup wheels rolling over that same gravel as a faithful husband and father heads into a day full of deadlines and stresses and people to bless, all done with a commitment to give the best to his family.

Walk closely with each of them today, Jesus. Surprise them with the sound of Your sweet voice when they least expect it. Surround them with Your love and peace. Bless them through me, despite my own selfish heart and repeated mistakes. Help them to know the love I have for them, and make me into the mother and wife I long to be as You change me day by day.

May who I intend to be become more and more who I truly am. Give me the courage to trust You as the potter, allowing myself to become the clay. Make me a vessel deep enough and strong enough to hold all of You that You want to give. Mold me into something beautiful.

I love You. Help me to know--to really, really KNOW--how much You love me.

Thank You for a new day and new mercies.

Random Picture Challenge 7.0

2009-02-28T14:13:00.003-06:00

I'm getting back on track with the random picture challenge... September 2007, 11th picture in the folder:

Ah, yes, the Annual Read Across Iowa Bug Parade! At the start of the school year, the 2nd graders set "read across Iowa" reading goals, and when they meet their goals, they're the main attraction (okay, the ONLY attraction) in a VW bug parade, complete with a police escort, that loops the loop several times, honking and waving at whoever will pay attention. And believe me, they draw some attention!

Mrs. Ribbens (one of our all-time favorite teachers!) is driving the black bug, and even though you can't see him, Ethan is in the backseat, grinning and trying to see and be seen over the side of the car from the confines of his seat belt. Good times.

Is it just me?

2009-02-24T14:51:00.002-06:00

Just wondering if it's my own visits to my blog that have actually crept the counter up past 100... That would be sad, but not impossible.

Overwhelmed

2009-02-24T09:32:00.001-06:00

Let me just begin by telling you (and reminding myself) how grateful I am to be a SAHM. It would tear me apart, both emotionally and physically, if I had to work a full-time (paying) job. There is nothing I would rather do than what I'm doing right now. If someone is going to mess up my kids, I want it to be me! :) But my passion about this role as SAHM is also one of the things that makes it so difficult, because I'm never able to do it as well as I intend, and often not even as well as I should. Today, the half-joking line about messing up my kids feels all too accurate.

Seriously, I'm totally overwhelmed by the fact that I'm expected to be responsible for the character development of 4 precious little people. And somewhat discouraged by the awareness that my own spiritual health is a huge indicator of how well I will do that.

Because I am fed up. Spent. At the end of my rope. I feel like every day I face a list of about 30 hours worth responsibilities to handle in a 24-hour day. And every day I start with the greatest intentions to control my tone of voice, do first things first, catch up on the "musts" so I can get to the "shoulds," the "I'd really like to's" and maybe even some of the "wouldn't that be fun's!"

And every day I lose my patience (usually before the kids are even out the door for school!), finish maybe 10% of what needs to be done so I start the next day even further behind, and seldom figure out in the midst of that how to squeeze in the spontaneous and fun things to make our family life more joyful.

If I weren't too vain, I'd post a picture of what my home looks like right now.... Fruity Pebbles crunched on the floor from the breakfast spill, counters crusted with drips from yesterday's meal group cooking and this morning's milk spills, laundry everywhere in piles and baskets and overflowing hampers... I could go on and on. Some days that list just feels like my reality and I can just live in the midst of it, completing small jobs one by one as time with the baby allows. But today it really just makes me feel like crying.

I find that I hit this overwhelmed point at 2 recurring times:

1) When things come up that really NEED doing, things that are important, urgent, or just really valuable and have time constraints on them. Things that I care about and feel called to do. Things that can't keep being pushed back from one day's "to do" list to the next. And I simply don't have time to do them, and feel like I have no one to help pick up the slack so I can without feeling further overwhelmed by the day to day.

2) When I attempt to bring greater self-discipline into my own life and behavior. No matter how early I get up, one child or another seems to wake up earlier. No matter how intentional I am about asking God to order my day, I end the day feeling like important things are being left undone. No matter how determined I am to get enough sleep so I can be as patient and gracious as I wish to be, I find myself awake into the wee hours of the morning trying to finish the "musts" for the day.

Yes, I know all the right questions to ask about why I'm feeling like this. What are my expectations? Why? What are God's? What is truly important? What do I need to let go of? What selfishness or other sin plays into these feelings? How is the Enemy trying to steal my joy?

But some days, even those questions are enough to wear me out. Some days, just putting one foot in front of the other (or one load of laundry in after the other) is all I can handle.

Random Picture Challenge 6.0

2009-02-22T16:03:00.005-06:00

I know I missed a couple, and the blogger who hosts the challenge didn't post a new one this week because of computer issues, so this is a week belated. But here's random picture for you nonetheless.... January 2007, 3rd picture in the folder:

Don't ask me what they were doing... some combination of dress up and just plain wackiness. Anna is wearing my slippers, summer pj shorts, a too-small stocking cap, and.... a jump rope. Like I said, don't ask me. And it looks to me like Ethan just didn't want to be left out of the picture so he pulled a silly pose!

And yes, the chair in the background is where I lay clothes that need to be taken upstairs and hung in closets. It almost always has a pile hanging off the back of it. Just keepin' it real for you!

Right back where I started

2009-02-20T23:32:00.001-06:00

Well, maybe not exactly, but the territory sure looks familiar.

I remember Beth Moore reminding us in one of her studies (I don't' remember which one because I've done so many in the last 5 years!) that if the same issue keeps coming up in your life, then God isn't finished with you in that area. He will (graciously) keep bringing it to the forefront so you can move out of your "desert"...pass the test, learn the lesson, be healed... whatever it is that still needs doing in your soul.

She also teaches in her Daniel study, which I'm currently in the middle of, that we also can find ourselves back in familiar territory because the Enemy loves to send us right back into our areas of captivity, and he is wily enough to attack those areas in our lives that are inconsistent, weak, and not well-protected by our spiritual armor. (Ooh, I hate him, by the way!)

Evidently God decided now would be a good time to give me a retest on some things, and/or my armor has just a few holes that the Devil is trying to poke through....

First, it feels like our family life is in a similar place to nearly a decade ago. I'm adjusting anew to the role of SAHM to an infant with little "freedom" or participation in life outside of my own 4 walls. Steve is busy and somewhat stressed at work. Our finances are stretched to the max. All of these issues characterized our early years of marriage and parenting. Somehow 15 years and 4 kids later, we're right back there. (Praise God for those areas in which He's already changed and grown us so we don't repeat ALL of the same mistakes this time!)

Another area in which I feel like I'm just driving around the cul-de-sac over and over on is in one significant relationship in my life and the way I often respond in and to it. Again, I have to thank God for the things He already has healed and changed, because not all that long ago my emotions were in constant turmoil, my heart very seldom was right toward this person, and all of it was trickling down into my immediate family relationships. God has performed great things in my life regarding this relationship. But just lately, it seems that the condition of my heart toward this person is coming to the forefront once again, because I can't leave an interaction with this person without feeling irritated or agitated or just plain YUCKY.

Finally, I must have made the mistake of getting mentally lazy and thinking things were going well with our kids, because whenever I do, some ugly issue that we have to discipline our kids over comes up. And often, that points back to some failing of mine/ours in the way we've trained them so far. It can easily stir up in me discouragement, resentment, shame, guilt... all sorts of emotions that certainly don't aid in parenting well and don't reveal a strong faith in God when it comes to my role as a mom.

(You wouldn't think there is an emotionally healthy bone in my body reading this marathon-length post, would you? But that's why this is my blog... if you didn't read my early warnings about the nature of this blog, you may want to do so now.) Anyway....

I have to ask myself what God is trying to further redeem in me, and how the Enemy is trying to drag me back into old patterns. I think I'm seeing the answer to that in some small ways, but I, of course, try to analyze it with my own little human mind. I have to remember that God's ways are not my ways and be aware that the Devil is tricky, deceitful, and just plain evil, so it is likely much deeper than first glance might suggest.

Really, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this return journey, because before Tori was born, I felt like God told me through scripture He was going to use this season in my life to prune me. I'm so thankful that He also promised that the pruning was for the purpose of bringing greater beauty. I'm not exactly sure what that means, and I'm quite certain that we're still in the cutting back stage of pruning and not in the beautiful new growth stage yet, but I'm holding on to that promise. I may not ever fully know how God's purpose will play out, but the one thing I know for sure is that I don't want to miss His purposes and I don't feel like I'm "getting it" yet.

What struck me about this whole idea of ending up back where you started is this thought: When I'm driving, if I drive the same route repeatedly, after a while I don't even notice where I am. I drive out of habit and sometimes end up at my location with no memory of passing the landmarks along the way.

I wonder if that isn't also true of my spiritual journey; am I somehow missing the "signs" along the way because the road is so comfortable and familiar that I'm not fully aware of where I am and where I'm headed? Am I running on autopilot and missing some turnoffs or even u-turns that God wants me to take? I'm thinking if that's true, I'll just end up coming right back to this same place again.

I've probably given the wrong impression. It's not that where I am now is horrible, or even that it's a bad place to be. I already have a beautiful life in so many ways, and God has been faithful and good. But God has promised even more. More pruning. More growth. More beauty. And that's the destination I want to be moving toward.

February Scripture Memory 2

2009-02-16T21:33:00.002-06:00

It's not too late to join.... commit to memorize 2 scriptures a month for the year. (I'm sure you could even memorize a few extras to catch up if you're one of those for whom it wouldn't feel complete starting partway into the year!) I've got one down, 21 to go (I'm choosing to let good enough be good enough and not give up if it's not "perfect," so I'm going with 22 rather than 24 since I joined late.) Here's my second passage for February:

Let them praise the Lord for his great love

and for the wonderful things he has done for them.

For he satisfies the thirsty

and fills the hungry with good things.

Psalm 107:8-9 (New Living Translation)

But I never win anything!

2009-02-12T23:34:00.003-06:00

One day a while back, I was reading about an intriguing sounding parenting book on Bring the Rain (one of the blogs that originally got me hooked... check out the older posts about their journey with Audrey Caroline--incredibly moving). Anyway, the blog author Angie Smith was hosting a contest to win a copy of the book Parenting the Way that God Parents: Refusing to Recycle Your Parents' Mistakes. Bring the Rain has a huge readership and receives hundreds if not thousands of comments on each post, but this book sounded great, so I decided it wouldn't hurt to leave a comment to "enter" the contest.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to last night. I was browsing Bring the Rain again to find out how to create a music playlist on a blog like she has on hers. The book contest hadn't ever entered my mind again since the day I commented/entered. But as I was scrolling down the screen, I saw the name "Tiffany" at the end of the list of 10 winners.

"You're kidding," I thought. "I wonder if that could actually be me? There are 2031 comments/entries into the contest, so odds are it's a different Tiffany somewhere out there in Blogland. Because I never win anything! But I may as well check it out." So I scrolled through about 1800 of the 2031 comments and found the "Tiffany" comment she was referring to, and believe it or not, I won! "I guess I can't say I never win anything anymore."

Oh, my, but I'm afraid I can. I was really just quite tickled about it all.... until today, when I figured out that I did not win. And on top of that, I had already sent a gushing e-mail to the author, letting her know where she could send my book. Just a tad embarrassing, wouldn't you say?

I discovered my mistake when I went back to the contest post today to see what my comment actually said (Something about it being unlikely I'd win with the volume of comments she receives. I thought it would be so clever of me to add that to my blog post announcing that I actually won!)

I scrolled through those 1800 comments again, and somehow, what last night was clearly my comment linking to my blog was now a comment left by Tiffany Carter. What in the world? Seriously, I am so certain that last night I found the comment, clicked on the link, and saw a picture of me and my cute little family, confirming that I was indeed the winner. Yeah, well, today, I saw a picture of Tiffany Carter and her cute little family.

Maybe I shouldn't be browsing blogs so late at night because clearly, my tired mind couldn't handle the excitement of potentially beating the 10 in 2031 odds to win a book. (Unless my conspiracy theory that someone somehow moved my comment so they could win the book is true!) I guess I'll put this book in my Amazon shopping cart along with the 5 dozen other books I have saved there and see if I can find a little cash to buy it sometime. Bummer.

So, even though it turns out my not-winning streak continues (losing streak sounds so negative), this whole thing has really got me thinking. Since my blog is so new and I haven't done nearly as much posting as I hoped, I haven't written much yet about our family's, or perhaps it's primarily just my, journey this past year and a half since the surprise of discovering Tori would join our family. And quite a journey it's been.

But you'll have to check back later to hear more about it. No telling what might happen if I try to blog late into the night again.... And I don't want to give Tiffany Carter a bad name.

Ready for Summer

2009-02-09T21:54:00.000-06:00

Because seriously, who doesn't want to see these cute little leggies in some short shorts?!?

Why am I so sweaty?

2009-02-09T16:45:00.006-06:00

We've all heard the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Or how about "Major in the majors." However you phrase it, it's all about priorities. And priorities seem to be something I'm still struggling with after 12 years of being a SAHM. I think I must really be "sweating" some of the "small stuff," because there never seems to be time to "major in the majors!" I've struggled with time management on and off for years, and a sense of discontent with the quality of my days continues to stir in me. The need to prioritize hit me right between the eyes after recently reading this quote:

"Those who make the worst of their time most complain about its shortness." - La Bruyere

I don't know who La Bruyere is, but he seems to be talking about me! I constantly feel like there's not enough time to do all the things I must do, let alone the things I'd really like to do. So what I'm setting out to discover is whether the primary problem is in my expectations--attempting or hoping to be able to do more than is realistic; or in my execution--the way I schedule and use my time on a daily basis given the basic details of my life (several kids including both older kids and an infant, a busy husband, my own personality, etc.). I realize that I tend to rebel against being scheduled and structured because my "all or nothing" thinking often leads to frustration when I can't do things as well as I'd like (which is pretty much always) or to being hyper-focused on one project or task while letting all other things fall by the wayside.

Along with that, I'm wrestling with how much of my struggle is tied to my lack of consistent time spent with God. I'd love if there were a formula promising that an intimate relationship with God would result in perfect wisdom for how to live daily life. While I know that formula doesn't exist, I do know from seasons in my life that being more connected with God and His will for me somehow lessens the "sweating" I do over "small stuff. The song "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" comes to mind:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

(Anyone know why suddenly everything is double-spaced and won't go back to single?!?)

So I'm seeking to more fully focus on Jesus and follow His guidance for how to use each day rather than to be consumed with making lists and schedules and plotting out my time in my own human strength. His ways are not our ways, you know.

All that being said, there remains a practical side to living this life and especially to doing the SAHM thing well. In an attempt to make my external reality line up more closely with my internal intentions, I think I need to explore what in my life is truly necessary, what's pretty important, what needs to go, and decide with Jesus' guidance how I will discipline myself to live a life that holds true to what I value. Here is an initial list to work from:

The Majors

General care for kids/family

Laundry
Food prep. and grocery shopping,
Acceptably tidy house for the sake of function
Consistent naps for Tori
(Honestly, this category alone takes up pretty much all my time....)

Family time

Debriefing after school
Supervision of homework and chores
Bedtime prayers and talks
Weekend activities

Time with the Lord

Praying the Divine Offices
Bible study lessons
Listening/conversational prayer
Corporate/musical worship

The I'd Like To's

Thoroughly cleaned house on a regular basis, especially bathrooms
Declutter and organization
Off-duty/alone time for me
Exercise
Hobbies - reading, blogging/journaling, scrapbooking, writing
More quality time with Steve

The Small Stuff

Spotless house, including kids' rooms (I don't even attempt this, but I think it's a self-imposed unrealistic expectation that causes stress)
Blog reading (or at least the high frequency of it)
Excess recreational internet ("window shopping," unnecessary "research," etc.)
Hmmm.... there must be more here, but the 2nd and 3rd bullet points are definitely my major time-wasters

I'm not sure where to go from here, but it's a start. I'll be revisiting this post frequently to think about and pray for direction.

UPDATE: I had further confirmation that I need to figure some of this out as Caleb and I were talking tonight about the tasty cookies our neighbor makes (he was trying to tell me hers are better than mine without offending me). He said she is always doing "extra-terrestrial" things. I suggested that perhaps he meant "extra-curricular." He said she just spends time doing what she wants to rather than always working like I am. That makes me sad, because that's exactly how I feel, too. The thing is, the only reason he thinks I'm working all the time is because I never get anything done, so I'm always trying to get something done! I don't want his memories of me to be that I spent more time working than just living--especially if my house is still going to be this dirty!

The Desert Song

2009-02-09T07:45:00.003-06:00

I'm placing this video here for my own easy access... This song often has spoken to my heart about God's faithfulness in desert seasons:

An unexplainable equation

2009-02-08T21:35:00.005-06:00

There are some things in life you know you always can count on:

Gravity.

The sun rising and setting every day.

The changing of the seasons.

And this simple equation:

1 tuckered out baby
+ 1 mommy in desperate need of some "me" time
= 1 baby who won't fall asleep

Maybe I can find my way into the history books if I can come up with an explanation for this problem!

Paul and I must be twins

2009-02-04T12:14:00.003-06:00

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

(The Solution Is Life on God's Terms)
1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

Romans 7:14-8:2 The Message

Role reversal

2009-02-04T08:46:00.004-06:00

I felt a little like I was the child and Ethan was the parent during a conversation we had the other day.

We were talking about the goings on at school, and I was mildly lamenting the fact that I am rarely at school to volunteer in their classrooms, get to know their teachers, or just have lunch with them. Ethan said, "Well, would you rather be in our classrooms or have a baby?"

I replied that I really wish I could do both (I know, I struggle with accepting reality sometimes). Ethan looked right at me and repeated, "Would you rather be in our classrooms or have a baby?"

Okay, I get the point. Thanks, sweet boy.

Having the outlook of a child can be really good for keeping life in perspective.

February Scripture Memory 1

2009-02-03T15:32:00.005-06:00

Beth Moore is "hosting" a scripture memory plan for 2009. Two verses a month, starting on the 1st and the 15th of each month. I hadn't signed up originally because I didn't want to jump on the bandwagon just because everyone else was and it was something I should do, but I've been convicted lately that I need to be filling my mind with truth, so I'm joining late. I'll be placing my verses here to keep track of all of them:

And my God will meet all your needs

according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

I love church

2009-02-01T18:47:00.003-06:00

Encouraging. Hope-giving. Revitalizing. So good to be back there today.

Some words that stirred today:

Overcome. Victory. Continual conversion. A place of belonging.

Thank you, Jesus, for a rain shower today. You are faithful.

Dry Spell

2009-02-01T01:20:00.001-06:00

It seems I'm in a dry spell of sorts, spiritually and emotionally speaking. There are lots explanations, really. Like maybe the fact that lately I get to church about once a month because of sick kids or Tori's nap schedule or other life complications. When I was pregnant with Tori, I totally expected that and was dreading it. But then the first 6 months went so well that I hardly missed a week of church and could tote our sweet sleeping baby wherever I wanted.

Somehow during that honeymoon stage I fooled myself into thinking we were going to breeze right through and somehow not deal with the reality of an infant's schedule. Guess not, because reality seems to have set in.

This dry spell also could be the byproduct of major cabin fever. A few weeks back, between snow days, a driveway drifted over with snow, and sick kids, I was literally in this house for 188 1/2 out of 192 hours. 188 1/2 hours breathing the same air, doing the same tasks over and over, rarely speaking to another adult...all the time with at least one, and often four children needing your attention...yikes!

Or maybe this Sahara-like feeling could have overtaken my heart because, since Christmas, I've only been doing my Beth Moore study--as interesting and motivating as it is--about once every other day. Before Christmas I was praying the Divine Offices faithfully 3 times a day and feeling like I was connecting pretty well with the Lord through prayer. Right now I'm just not being intentional about getting fed the same way.

Then this past weekend I tried to talk through it with Steve. How I'm struggling to embrace this season of raising an infant and being "just the mom" again without being swallowed up in it. How I don't feel like I have anything to talk about but baby stuff, and how I can't seem to find any focus outside of home when I am home 99% of the time.

Somehow as I shared my thoughts, Steve heard me saying that taking care of our kids runs counter to being who I want to be. Aaagh! That totally isn't what I was saying! So not only am I stranded on an emotional desert island, but I also can't communicate effectively with the one person I'm stranded with. Sigh. I was trying to explain how I'm trying to figure out how to fully engage in this season... to allow it to be "enough" to care for the kids and our family, while at the same time feeling like I'm becoming more fully me. Right now I don't feel like I'm succeeding at either one of those things.

That probably sounds like complaining. I hope not. But maybe it is; at this point I don't even know. But I'm wondering why I feel powerless to find relief in this dry season. I could tell it was coming, and I'm feeling hyper aware of being in it. I know the "right" things to do to get out of it, but I know they won't work because I've learned that it really isn't up to me to find the solution, so much as to trust that this desert field trip is just a stop on the journey.

So, here I sit. In the desert. Waiting for a little rain shower. Just a few drops would do. Or maybe even a drifting rain cloud over head to cast just a little shade on the scorching sand. I guess I'll have to keep my focus turned upward to watch for incoming relief.

Random Picture Challenge 4.0

2009-01-31T23:38:00.004-06:00

So, maybe my journaling blog is going to become a photo posting blog instead since it seems that's the majority of what you see here so far. It takes a lot less time to post a picture than to organize my thoughts into readable form! But, as fun as it is to sift back through some of these photos, it isn't feeding the part of my soul that I need it to, so more ~~boring and excessively wordy~~ reflective posts will be coming.

Remember how in my first Random Picture Challenge post I commented that I'd had to face up to my pride over what type of picture I'd land on in this "random" thing? Well, I'm thinking maybe I'm not the the only one. 4 Little Men, who hosts these challenges, explained that some people were wondering what the "challenge" was. Her answer is, "The challenging part is being honest... not skipping over a picture because it's not perfect, or embarrassing. The funnier the better right! This is real life... let's see it!"

So here you have it, September 2007, 44th picture (The challenge actually is for November 2007, but I must have had a dry spell in photo taking while I was pregnant with Tori because I was spending every possible moment napping. My folders jump from September to December that year, so I went with September as to avoid what would like be a Christmas photo in December.):

Ah, yes, the Barnum and Bailey $11 souvenir cotton-candy-in-a-cheap-hat hat! After this photo, Caleb and I traded; I wore the hat and he took the picture. Let's just say I'm extremely thankful the random photo was #44 and not #45! This was the night we realized how sensitive Ethan is to our conversations about money because he repeatedly offered to not get a souvenir if we couldn't afford it. Yikes... better watch what we talk about in front of that boy!

My love-hate relationship with Beth Moore

2009-01-28T10:17:00.006-06:00

I'm doing Beth Moore's Daniel study right now, and she always makes me face up to some of my "junk." It's a love-hate relationship because on a good day it's encouraging and motivating, but some days, when self-condemnation and hopelessness want to creep in, it's a little discouraging to see how far I still have to go. I love that she passionately teaches the truth in a way that makes me want to seek after Jesus more wholeheartedly. I hate that her teaching always reveals something more in me that needs weeding out!

In the most recent video session I watched, she pointed out that we are "image builders" (or to put it in plain language--FAKES!) if we're any different in the dark of night or privacy of our own home than we seem to other people.

Ouch. Who isn't? Is there anyone who is always as kind to their family as they are to others? Is there someone out there who consistently looks to the good of others before thinking about themselves? Yes, I know that with Christ's help many people are truly authentic and transformed, and I am deeply changed in many ways, as well, but it's still a struggle for me. Why do I continue to think one thing but say another to avoid conflict? Feel self-righteous about the way I do this or that? Spill critical words about someone else to a friend or even just think them in my own mind? Yuck. Doesn't sound very likable.

Mostly it's frustrating because I know who I long to be, and I don't live up to that, ever. But partly it's convicting when I recognize that I often allow myself to dwell in those ugly thoughts rather than taking them captive and combating them with truth (more about the dry spell I've been in that contributes to that in a yet unfinished post). And partly, it's tiring because it is a lifelong journey to become more Christ-like, and I would really like to be perfectly like Christ NOW! Anybody with me?

Another truth Beth Moore pointed out in this session is that the one way to avoid being "burned" by life's trials is to "bathe" in God's presence. So today will be a day for reflection and prayer. I really need Jesus to speak into my heart about what the root of these sin struggles is, because the one thing I know is that I don't want to remain unchanged. I don't want to waste any opportunity He gives me, through the promptings of Beth Moore or otherwise, to be more fully made like Him. Really, I just feel like a good hug from Jesus would make it all better. I think I'll go take a "bath."

Random Picture Challenge 3.0

2009-01-24T22:34:00.001-06:00

So far I'm finding that I don't have nearly as much time to sit down and write out my deep thoughts as I hoped. I really hoped a blog would be a journal of sorts for me to document what I'm thinking, feeling, and learning, and ultimately about what God is working out in me and in my life. Since I haven't figured out how to drive and type at the same time, the posts I composed in my mind during an hour-long drive this week haven't made it to the screen!

I still hope my original intentions for this blog will come to pass. But in the meantime, thanks to the prompting of brittany, take a look at this random picture from August 2007, 30th photo in my folder:

My sweet Anna-girl at her desk on her very first day of kindergarten. She insisted on riding the bus with her big brothers, so I had to drive to school and meet her in her classroom to take pictures of her. She always has shown an independent spirit!

She's already grown up so much since then (although the independent spirit thing hasn't changed!). I can't figure out why she has been so disobedient, because we have told her time and time again that she has to stop growing up so fast! Oh, well. We love her tons, anyway.

A Good Cry

2009-01-23T13:26:00.004-06:00

Why is it that whenever I'm in an emotional place that makes me prone to crying, I feel the need to give a disclaimer to others, warning them that I will probably cry if we talk about anything of any depth. Why do I have to explain how I didn't get enough sleep the night before and point out that I'm still dealing with postpartum hormones?

And why is it that when those tears do rise to the surface, I try to shut them off and pretend like it's not taking everything in me to keep from bawling my head off? Why do I try so hard to avoid crying in front of other people?

I know this isn't just me; I've watched many other people do the same thing. You can see the tears well up and watch them swallow hard as if trying to swallow the emotion that's producing the tears.

Didn't God create us with the ability to cry for a reason? Don't you usually feel so much better after you've had a good cry?

What is it about us that makes us want to hide our tears? What are we afraid of?

I don't know. I'm just wondering. I guess I need good cry.

Random Picture Challenge

2009-01-19T10:34:00.009-06:00

I came across a blog called 4 little men and girly twins that introduced a "Random Picture Challenge." She picks a month and a number, and you pull up that photo from your files and describe it. (I know veteran bloggers know all about this kind of stuff, but I'm new, so humor me as I learn!) Sounds like a fun way to make sure I transfer pictures from my camera and even edit one now and then ('cuz remember, I don't take time to make them look professional.)

Not sure how this girl finds the time to do this regularly with 6 kids, but it could have something to do with the fact that she appears to be a professional photographer, and with 6 young kids, I'm sure there's no shortage of pictures to choose from! Plus, I guess we all choose how to spend our time; I choose to look at her photos instead of editing mine!

Anyway, here's January 2009, 8th picture in the folder:

I'm thinking that I may just have revealed a little of my own pride, because I was so glad when I discovered that the random photo was actually a pretty good one. I think I might have deleted some photos out of the folder if it had been a photo of the back of her head or something like that. Perhaps a true photographer would embrace the beauty of the candid shot if it captured real life, but personally, I'd kind of like to show off my cute Babe!

Anyway, I took this photo to document Tori's first bath in the big bath tub, even though she's 8 months old and she'd had dozens of them by the time I snapped this; I just never remembered to bring the camera upstairs with me and couldn't exactly leave her in the tub alone to go get it! It also serves as a reminder of the fun bath toy Grandpa and Grandma N gave her for Christmas.

Isn't she sweet?

And here are a few more sweet faces I love from January 2008, 8th photo:

We had tons of snow and countless snow days last year, so this was taken on a Tuesday when the kids entertained themselves outdoors. They built a whole snow family, but I think this is "Big Mama." They posed with her in my honor (go visit Big Mama to see why this isn't an insult!)

Some things you may want to know

2009-01-19T09:37:00.001-06:00

I know how it is when you come across a new blog.... You're wondering who this is, what their story might be, whether it's even worth your time to start reading. So I'm thinking you may want to know a few basic things about this blog before you go any further:

This isn't going to be one of those blogs that follows the blog-friendly rules of short, witty posts. At least not very often. This blog is intended to contain my thoughts on any given day, and most days there are many. So those who already know me know that means "brief" will not be a descriptor, and I thought the rest of you might like to be informed, too.
This blog will not contain lots of artsy photographs taken with an expensive camera that allows me to take indoor photos with no flash and then edit them to look professional. I'm all about capturing memories with my point and shoot camera, but I don't think I could make them look professional if I tried... And I don't think I'll try because I definitely don't need one more thing to spend time on!
As an addendum to the above point, neither will this blog contain pictures of me or my family sitting in a booth with a plate of food every time we go out to eat. For one, we don't eat out very often anymore. And second, the food we eat at our very few local restaurants isn't photo-worthy; when you've seen one fast-food chicken sandwich, you've seen them all.
The look of the blog may be totally different each time you visit; don't be alarmed. Instead of spending my time editing photos to look professional, I choose to spend my time changing the background of the blog just because it's fun and easy.
As I've said, this blog is primarily a place for me to journal my thoughts in a way I don't take time for otherwise, so you are guaranteed to see the "real me," even some things about me that I'm just discovering for myself. I hold some convictions quite strongly, so be advised that those opinions may be quite evident and are not intended to offend or condemn. Feel free to disagree in as respectful a way as you are able.
That's not to say it won't also be a place to show off cute pictures of and stories about my kids or to just ramble about nothing deep at all. That's the beauty of a blog. I can talk about whatever I want because no one else is obligated to read one word of it!

Hmmm... what else would you like to know? More personal details about me and my family will come later. Right now I have to go back to my very normal life and do the dishes and start the laundry while the Babe is sleeping.

Oh, the drama....

2009-01-16T17:07:00.003-06:00

Does anyone else out there have the drama that is a 7-year-old daughter? My, oh my. I was just telling my sister the story about the day this dramatic daughter of mine announced to me, "Basically every day is the worst day of my life because I live HERE!" This comment came, of course, after being denied a snack she wanted or something awful like that.

However, based on her comments today, it seems life actually can get even worse, believe it or not.

Just now, before stomping up to her room practically in tears, she declared, "You don't understand! You don't even know what it's like to be me. It's the WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD!" Again, this on the heels of being told "no" about trying a third snack after she just "didn't really like" the first two.

Wow.

Blogging is to Time as Bargains are to Shopping

2009-01-16T16:40:00.000-06:00

I was sitting at my computer this morning, waiting out the moments to see if the Babe crying in her bed would cooperate with nap time so I could take a shower (she did not, thanks to her rotten cold). As I waited, I was checking my Google Reader to see if Kelly, a blogger who doesn't know I exist, has had her baby yet. (When I started composing this post, she hadn't, by the way, but she was enjoying her epidural. At the rate I'm going, she may be having her 2nd or 3rd child before I get this posted!)

Anyway... At that moment, as I stared at the photo of a complete stranger lying in a hospital bed, I made a decision. I'm going to stop ~~wasting~~ spending countless hours just reading other people's blogs and start writing my own.

I should clarify that I don't consider all my blog-reading a waste of time. There are many blogs that have encouraged me, inspired me, challenged me, and caused me to question some things in my life and myself that really could stand to be addressed. Made me ask hard questions like, "What would I say about God if I were battling cancer? Grieving the loss of a child? Facing infertility?" And some blogs just keep me connected to people I care about but rarely see and give me the treat of seeing pictures of some real cutie pies that often make me laugh out loud.

But sometimes what I've read or seen or just plain imagined about other's lives based on their blogs really brings out the worst in me. Granted, sometimes my disagreements are valid, and I may even be the one in the right once in a while, but ugly things like envy, a critical spirit, legalism, comparison, and self-condemnation would rise up in me. Why would I want to feed that?

And then there are those blogs that I read just because....~~I have a strong aversion to cleaning~~ they're there. They aren't even interesting. Hyperlinks are my downfall. And I mean, seriously, if I'm going to read about total strangers, it should at least be interesting. So I'm moving on to my own blog. Here we go!

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the title of this post... It is probably the first of many things I'll write that makes perfect sense to me but may or may not make sense to anyone else who may stumble across this blog. But I'll try to explain:

You know how sometimes you're shopping and you don't really need anything, but you run across a great bargain that you totally can justify buying, even though you don't really "need" it? As I mentioned before, blog reading has consumed quite a bit of my time over the past year or so, but if I can sit here keeping up my own blog, recording memories and exploring some of the thoughts I don't otherwise take time to enter, well then, that's a time bargain!

Make sense to you? No? Oh, well. Better get used to that!