When

Some days it seems like my life is drifting away in a series of "Whens..."

"When the kids are all in school, I'll have time to exercise/volunteer/deep clean, etc...."

"When Tori goes down for a nap, I'll catch up on my Bible study lessons...."

"When I get the laundry caught up..."

"When we finally have a free weekend...."

"When ___________ I'll eat more healthy...." (Yeah, I don't have a "when" for that. I just know I should.)

"When I have a little more time, I'll write a blog post that actually says everything I want it to instead of writing a series of rambling paragraphs loosely tied together under a theme only in my own mind!"

The trouble is that most of my "whens" never come to pass. Just look at the 4 sweet faces on the sidebar as proof that my first "when," as close as I came, never happened!

And counting on nap time usually guarantees a nap boycott. Hoping to catch up on laundry... well, that is just plain silly. Longing for the weekend is a good predictor of some unexpected event popping up that can't be missed. And the complete and coherent blog post.... well, just keep reading....

So then I wonder how much of life I'm missing because I'm waiting for "when" to arrive.

How many sweet moments with Tori (and my other kids) have I sacrificed to the hope of accomplishing some household task uninterrupted? How many things have I done halfway because I've been overwhelmed by those things yet to be done? Which blessings have I taken for granted because I'm looking past them to the things I don't have? What lessons have I left unlearned as I've skimmed over the surface of life in anticipation of the next "simpler" stage--a stage that never arrives?

It's a fine balance, and I can't seem to find the center of it. On one hand, being a SAHM is a life with very few marked and permanent achievements. Even those things that get done soon become undone and in need of being re-done! And in a much deeper sense than nap time or housework, this world is not our home, so there truly are many things that just won't sit right in my soul. This life is imperfect and often hard.

But on the other hand, Jesus promises life and fullness and joy--complete joy, nonetheless! However, He also clearly tells us that self-sacrifice is the only way to true joy. Some days I get that, really get it and embrace it with excitement and purpose. Other days, it feels like a complete and unattainable paradox.

Right now, my baby is in her bed crying because this is one of those "when" days for naps. My laundry is in various stages of incompletion and my floor is sticky. We have somewhere to be every evening for the next two weeks. What does complete joy, self-sacrifice, and true LIFE look like in the midst of that?

The more I think about it, it seems that perhaps asking "When...." questions is okay. Maybe I'm just focusing on the wrong "whens." What if I asked myself questions like,

"When I tuck my kids into bed each night, what do I want them to remember about the day?"

"When the my kids are all grown (which I have plenty of time to prepare for now!) what do I want our family legacy to be?"

"When I meet with Jesus at the end of my life, what crowns will I have to cast at His feet?"

Those questions are a little more difficult to answer. But those are the questions that, when it's all said and done, are truly important to me.

So, I guess I'll go get Tori from her bed. She and I can sit on the sticky floor and play.

New Background

Not super crazy about this one, either, but it's always nice to make a change, especially when I know it's temporary.

I just wonder how all the serious bloggers out there find time to create and update their own backgrounds when I feel a little guilty about even taking time to upload a new free background that someone else predesigned when my unfolded laundry is sitting there staring at me.

On a more serious subject, we had a wonderful church service again yesterday. As Ethan and I were talking about church later in the day, I was really struck by how blessed we are to have such a vibrant and obedience-inspiring church. Sundays are the day that grounds me every week, and if I didn't have that foundation to recenter me, it would be even harder to stay focused on Jesus.

I'm thankful again today for the prayer ministers and how they share their gifts each week. Yesterday we prayed about hearing from the Lord, believing what He has told me and denying the lie of Satan that I don't hear the Lord's voice, and having a "deafness" to the distractions of the world. Great encouragement as I try to reenter a more purposeful season of "being" in the Lord after a few months of much "doing."

Anyway...Check back later because the exciting photo collage I promised in the last post will be coming in the next day or two!

So I'm a little behind

So, the one or two of you who have happened across this blog in the last month or two may have noticed the extremely low frequency of new posts. I hate that you have missed all the fun that I've been having! And even more, I hate that I've done such a poor job of documenting all the great things God has been up to! Life has been busy, let me tell you.

I promise there is good reason, actually many good reasons, for my absence from the blog world. I'll explain soon, maybe with a photo update of just a few of the things that have been keeping me busy.

I know! We'll make a game of it! Wouldn't that be fun?! Did any of you subscribe to "Games" magazine years ago? They always had a photo collage and you had to guess what the photo depicted. Yeah, that's a great idea, if I do say so myself.

Try to contain yourself as you wait in eager anticipation!

P.S. I don't like this blog background, but I don't have time to change it right now. So there's another exciting update you can come back to check out later!

April Scripture Memory 2

In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and He answered me by setting me free.
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
The LORD is with me; He is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.”
Psalm 118:5-7 (NIV)

Don't Waste It

I've been realizing anew just how silly--no, that's not nearly a strong enough word--how absolutely ridiculous the things in this world I focus on really are.

This weekend as I've meditated on God the Father's amazing gift to us, He's reminded me that He gave us Jesus out of an unfathomable, unquenchable LOVE for us. For me.

And Jesus..... there simply are no words to thank Him. Nothing but my tears and a heart broken by the ways I fail Him, yet at the same time nearly bursting with longing to be more like Him. He loves us so much.

Even as I write those words, I realize I don't know even a fraction of how deep that love really is. I can't form sentences with enough depth of meaning to encompass who He is and what He's done, let alone grasp it with my weak, distracted mind. So some days, many days, I don't really act like someone who is completely and unconditionally loved. And even more, most of the time I don't give complete and unconditional love, even to those I love the most. What a waste.

But Jesus told us He came to make all things new. I don't have to go on wasting moments and days. He offers a fresh start every morning, and the blood that He shed redeems all things when we love and seek Him. That's all I know to do.

I love you, Jesus. Your sacrifice and your love are beyond description. Would you penetrate my heart afresh every morning with the reality of your gift. Help me not to waste this....

The Bridgekeeper

April Scripture Memory 1

Just now getting around to posting this, but I have been working on it!

Rejoice in the Lord always.

I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.

The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds

in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)